At a recent Shabbat Service led by our Rosh Chodesh Study Group, past-President Marcia Geltman delivered the following sermon. I really enjoyed her words and asked for this copy so that I could share it more widely:
Ten years ago, this week’s Torah portion was chanted by my daughter, Suzanne on becoming a bat mitzvah. What a big day that was for us. She led us so beautifully in the service. Her chanting was sweet and wonderful. It was an exciting day. But after the planning, excitement, tears of joy, all parts of this wonderful milestone in her life, I realized that my daughter was growing up. Last week Suzanne graduated with her masters degree from Rutgers. Another milestone. Her life changes, but as a parent, my life changes as well.
I have always felt that you could never become comfortable at parenting. Because once you thought you had nailed down being a good parent of an infant, your child turned one and started to crawl. Takes about a year to start feeling sure about how to deal with the crawling, blocking the stairs, and trying to keep tiny little things off the floor, and then he or she begins to walk and climb and you now are moving glass vases and lamps, and as a parent you are faced with a whole new set of challenges. So you keep learning over and over again how to be a parent of a child of the next age and then the next and the next. No one ever gets good at becoming a parent because each age brings on new challenges, new dilemmas.
The parent of a young child, gets very good at telling their children what to do. What to eat, when to go to sleep, when to wear a jacket or a hat, when to do homework. And we get good at telling our children what not to do. Don’t climb onto the furniture, don’t run with scissors, don’t leave your toys lying around to trip over. After years of parenting, we get good at the telling what to do part. Then they become young adults and we have to get good at the not telling what to do part. Allowing our children to learn from their own life experiences. Learn from their own mistakes. After years and years of getting the telling what to do part down, we face a new challenge of learning to bite our tongues, learning to sit back and watch. To guide gently from afar. We hope that all the “what to dos” and “what not to dos” have stuck in their head somewhere and they will become adults of whom we are proud.
Sounds a bit like this week’s Torah portion, the Ten Commandments, when G-d is telling Moses and the Jewish people what to do and what not to do. G-d has many names, many roles, but G-d as a parent, to that I can relate. On Shavuot, G-d called the Jewish people to come to Mt Sinai to receive the Ten Commandments. The rules of how we should behave. As good children, what we should do and what we should not to do. Mt. Sinai was a turning point. A milestone.
It was the time when we took on responsibility for our own actions. We needed to learn to balance between the acceptance of G-d’s omnipotence and our own personal accountability. To live believing only in an all powerful G-d without accepting personal accountability is wrong. I equate that to being a small child living under the strict guidance of its parents. Being fed or put to sleep, relying completely on the parent. If one remains at that stage, there would be no mental growth or learning or maturity.
On the other hand we know that there can not be total free will. One can not act without the knowledge of the existence of a divine being. We need to believe that there is some higher authority which demands of us that we behave in a certain way. Allowing total free would be like leaving your teenage child home alone for a week with the use of your credit card. Not good. There needs to exist the belief in a divine authority who has given us the 10 commandments, the rules to live by. And who has as a result given us the ability to make decisions, right or wrong, yet still exists and watches from a far to see how we behave. There has to be that balance. Sort of like what we do with our teenage children. We give them some freedom. But we watch, and gently guide. As good parents, we must sit back and let our children live their lives. Let them explore paths we may not have chosen for them to take, but only through this balance of freedom and guidance can they grow into responsible adults. I like to believe this is the way G-d feels about us as well.
Shavuot celebrates the giving of the Torah. And like many of the Jewish holidays it coincides with an agricultural event. In the case of Shavuot it coincides with the cutting of the crop. How does the agricultural midpoint of "cutting of the crop" correspond to the giving of the Torah? What is the symbolism? This division of duties – taking the Torah, taking on the responsibilities of following the ten commandments while simultaneously believing everything is from God – can be likened to the cutting of the crop . From when the seed is first planted until it is cut, it is God who is involved in its development. But the act of "cutting the grain" is a milestone because then begins man's role in processing it: threshing, sifting, grinding etc. It is man’s actions which convert it into edible food. As the crop is cut, the grain moves from G-d’s domain into the realm of human responsibility. Up until the moment that the Torah was given to the Jewish people, the world was a mirror of G-d. The people did not have a clear mission which would define them as having an independent existence.
However, once the Torah was given to the Jewish people, man was charged with a mission. He was responsible for the keeping of the Torah and enacting its moral code. It became our roll to build the world. But it is still G-d’s presence that guides us as we take on this mission.
Many of us in this sanctuary are parents of adult children. The grain has been cut and it is up to the children to make something of it. We are in the “biting our tongue” stage of parenting. We must refrain from nagging. We need to say, you are old enough to understand what is right, what is wrong. The nurturing and guiding need to take a back seat while our children go out into the world and become independent individuals. Any suggestions, if given at all must be subtle. Someone said to me recently about an adult child, no one wants to hear advice from their parents. Looking back, I probably felt that way about my parents. How difficult it must have been for all of our parents to watch as we, their children, struggled through life’s challenges.
I have a wonderful mother in law for the past 35 years. In all that time she has never once criticized me or suggested that I do something differently. When ever I have told her what I have done, she always says “that’s good”. I am sure she had her own opinions but has never shared them. How difficult it must be for her to not interfere.
Does G-d feel the same frustrations with us? After G-d spent so many years getting good at telling the Jewish people what to do and what not to do, did G-d have a difficult time letting go? Moving on to the next stage of parenting? After Mt. Sinai, was it difficult for G-d to sit back and watch? As society matures and grows, and our challenges change, do G-d’s challenges also change? Does G-d struggle at each new stage in our development as we struggle with each new stage in our children’s development?
G-d is letting us know that we need to make our own decisions, that right or wrong we have received the rules, the Ten Commandments. Is G-d’s work as an all knowing parent shrinking as we learn to become more responsible for our actions? Does G-d sit back and watch as we stumble and learn and, like a parent does worry whether we will be ok? After 30 years of parenting, I am still struggling. I certainly don’t have this parenting thing nailed down yet. I am learning how to let go. How to simply listen. How to be a sounding board while allowing my children to make their own decisions. How to sit back and watch the struggle and allow them the right and the privilege to choose their own path in life. My daughter Suzanne, is now 23. She has decided to teach in Korea for a year. This is the path she has chosen for herself. How easy would it be for me to say, you can’t go. You need to stay close where I can guide you and tell you what to eat, when to put on your coat and wear a hat. I am good at that. I am not good at saying, “How exciting, have a wonderful time”. And I wonder whether I will ever get good at this stage of parenthood. And then if I do, what challenges will the next stage bring.
As we reach life’s milestones, may we always remember to thank G-d for bringing us to this day. As parent’s of b’nai mitzvah children, as parent’s of children going off to camp, parents of children graduating from school, or parents of parents with their own children, may we take a moment to look back and thank G-d for all the parenting milestones we have achieved. And maybe when we look towards all the future challenges which lie ahead, we could just add another short prayer, asking G-d, maybe not to sit back quite so much. Maybe just a smidge more help would be appreciated.
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